Hater’s Guide to the Atlantic Division

Red Wings fans are really haters. After all, the octopus symbolizes the eight basic grudges that every fan holds in their heart (what are you forever crazy about? Share in the comments!)

However, there’s a lot going crazy in the world right now, so if you need a little spark to stoke the fires of bitterness and anger toward the Atlantic division before the season starts, I’m here for you.

Let’s check out who we have, how they’re doing, and remind ourselves why it’s worth the effort to hate. Hating some teams is a lot easier than others, but let’s find something for everyone…

2021-2022 record: 51-26-5; When will we see them? October 27 and March 11.

While a lot of the Atlantic Division teams were busy off-season, the Bruins fired their coach and pretty much called it a day. Patrice Bergeron has not retired and David Craigie will return. And then the classic “Coming back from injury is possession” talk will happen later this fall.

Notably, Brad Marchand is recovering from surgery and is expected to miss the October match with the wings. That’s a real shame because he’s such a fun guy who hates him. Easily the most hated player on their roster, perhaps the department and, for some people, the entire NHL. McAvoy and Grzelcyk are the other notable injuries.

old friends: Thomas Nozick, Dan Renov

What do you hate: Marchand (injured or not, he’s still there), Marchand fans, fans dying on the hills for Bobby Orr, Mike Millbury just generally by association, yellow, the general arrogant athletic attitude of New England, Boston accents.

And, of course, the stinking sludge of Masshole’s crap is a subset of fans who make headlines for being racist. Every fan base has litter, unfortunately for the Bruins they always have some exceptionally loud litter boxes flaunting their lids.

2021-2022 record: 22-49-11; When will we see them? October 14, November 8, January 26

Activate the hate. October 14 is approaching.

It’s such a good thing that Habs dump Shea Weber because it leaves room to hate the new stuff! It should be better than last year, which is very low. Martin St. Louis taking charge behind the bench seems to have changed things, but the important thing is that we have a new coach now as well.

The game that will really set fire to the first. However, since we know that no matter how badly we play, we will never do well in the lottery draft, and we might as well sweep it.

And on that note…

I specifically hate everyone who has been grabbing their pearls accusing the wings of relegation after years of sliding down a cliff but justified the Habs’ move from the Stanley Cup Final to…that. Asterisk season is no excuse. And how convenient it is for them to get the choice, we have struggled time and time again to earn it. Not that we need it, of course, Yzerplan and all, but just another example of the National Hockey Injustice League in action.

old friends: Madison Boy and Mitchell Stevens and our favorite duo say “Muntreal.”

What else do you hate: Fans, every time Zadina doesn’t score against them, Juraj Slafkovsky as a concept even as someone who rescues orphans from trees and adopts cats, fans again, people who have never been silent about Cole Caufield.

2021-2022 record: 51-23-8; When will we see them? December 6, December 21, February 25

I thought of saying “Fuuuu…n. Let’s have fun hating bolts!” and move on. Because really, bolts are bolts. They have their prime men, they have themselves at the top of many people’s prediction lists, they are just the same old bolts facing the icy stare of the void from which all chronic injuries are born.

They are a team that relies on the power of “if”. If they can stay healthy, if the rest of the Atlantic behaves as expected, if Andrei Vasilevsky and Brian Elliott can play out of their minds at critical moments…

old friends: Moving Ghost of General Manager Steve Yzerman, Jeff Blachelle, Vlad Namestnikov, Jamil Smith

What do you hate: Every time someone else writes “Here’s why they won it again!” Article, Corey Perry, Corey Perry’s face, Stephen Stampus (boring) fuss, Twitter Bolts, it’s all about them in general even if you can’t figure out why you know you hate them.

And obviously, I’ll mention Kronwall’s Game 7 comment (one of my primary grudges). This is how you know I’m really writing this.

2021-2022 record: 54-21-7; When will we see them? November 28, January 7

I’ve hardly read anything about The Leafs and I’m really tired of Leafs. The team, in a bubble isolated from everyone else, is probably not that terrifying. But the Leafs aren’t isolated, they bring a fully floating garbage can with them, to be fair, often more of a team villain than any of us could be. He is always very funny.

Like screws, it’s just the same old, same old as much as narratives and predictions. blah blah blah this player is elite blah blah blah blah off show en blah blah blah second round here we bring blah blah blah bfavft.

old friends: Callie Yarnrock, Keith Petrozzelli

What do you hate: The fans, the fans, the media, no Calder talks to make Michael Banting jokes, hype Mitch Marner, Jake Muzin (yes I remember throwing Mantha), the fans once again, they should cheer for any stupid team playing the Leafs in the first round of playoffs because there’s nothing It is more important than committing to a little, “this time it’s going to be different” intellectual cut.

I was going to head Auston Matthews, but I’m kind of impressed with how well he leaned against his drunken uncle’s creepy vibe. Let evolution take its course and not fight the inevitable. We can all learn.

BREAK: And now for a little self-reflection…

2021-2022 record: 32-40-10; When will we see them? Every waking moment and sometimes our nightmares.

I don’t need to tell you that there have been some big changes in Hockeytown this off season, and everything looks better than last year. Expectations vary, if we can’t suffer a loss of more than 5 humiliating goals all the time, that would be great. Many people pursue their dreams higher in that final stage of the playoff.

old friends: All our new friends, who will become old friends soon

What do you hate: We, each other, patriot writers, national radios, players’ names being mispronounced, one of your favorite super boys sent to Grand Rapids (or traded later), The Woo, trumpet target, people who complain about Woo and trumpet target, Advertising on T-shirts (TBC, but letter swapping is a strong indicator)

We are perfect and loving.

Now we get to the teams that put in some effort, at least for me, to properly hate when they don’t share our ice.

If you find that you have some strong reasons to hate these teams, please share in the comments so we can all sip the nectar of bitter disdain.

2021-2022 record: 58-18-6; When will we see them? December 8, January 6

The big start to the off-season was picking Matthew Tkachuk and bringing in a new coach. It didn’t break, don’t fix it, etc. The Panthers haven’t done much to inspire a deep hatred of me when we don’t play on them. There’s another team in Florida that I hate, so sometimes I forget about the Panthers. Even when they are the “best team”, they are forgotten.

old friends: Mark Stahl from Thunder Bay, Ontario.

What do you hate: Radko Judas, the rat king of the rat team, Nick Cousins ​​for some reason I don’t remember but just doing it, Sergey Bobrovsky in principle, how we keep losing to them (especially in the national broadcast and losing a billion goals).

I reserve the right to hate them more for later, but it’s important to hurry yourself up. Always give a little hate to each team, but don’t waste what can be directed at a more deserving team. Save it for game day.

2021-2022 record: 32-39-11; When will we see them? October 31, November 30, December 29

Swords, barring divine intervention, are likely to be worse than they were last year when most say they over-performed. Their off-season moves were trading unflavored soda water for sparkling water. They’re kind of rebuilding but they haven’t figured it out yet. Older, little guns rise through the ranks, that’s how it goes. However, relying on 41-year-old Craig Anderson and our good friend Eric Comrie to defend the net is definitely an option.

old friends: Riley Sheehan, Eric Comrie

What do you hate: There are two players whose names I see and say “I hate this guy” but can’t remember why (like Jeff Skinner and Dylan Cousins). I’m willing to hate them later to spoil our 1% chance of making the playoffs by losing to the wrong team, but right now we’ve got a better rebuild so who cares what their fans say (assuming they have fans)

Also, I hate Zemgus Girgensons because he’s not a cranky non-playable character and he’s the worst wizard ever and needs your help to find his familiar (a talking frog named Belenor B. Bellowguts)

2021-2022 record: 32-42-7; When will we see them? Dec. December 17, December 23, December 31

After another disappointing season, the Senators have been busy over the summer trying to build something that isn’t a swinging tower out of torture and shock. Among the additions are Alex DeBrincat, Claude Giroux, and Cam Talbot. Tyler Ennis, Michael Del Zotto, and Matt Murray were among the rollouts.

old friends: no one?

What do you hate: Brady Tkachuk and Matthew Joseph to start. I don’t really remember why I didn’t like them, but I’m removing the bottom of the Biscuit Barrel here because the Sens are another team I only remember hating when we played with them.

Because a lot of the time, sinces are just too funny. They fly under the radar or rather navigate their submarine around the bottom of the arrangement where the winged octopus was hanging out, then they do something messy and funny (anything that makes all the difference we truly Hate sounds bad), incredibly stupid, or all of the above to make some headlines.

Like that time, they tried to kill their fans by throwing beach balls at them (okay, maybe a slight exaggeration, but not by much).

The official Atlantic hate splits for Sarah

Perfect and beautiful: red wings

The absolute worst: Bruins, Lightning

Absolute worst (in meters and liters): Maple leaf, Canadians

cheetahs: cheetahs

Hungry Demon locked in a vault: Senators

Armed and Non-Dangerous Wildlife: Swords

So, does Mickey Redmond sound/sour? Are you ready to revive grudges and forge new grudges?

Let’s go red wings and go to hell everyone!

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